What a night.

Tonight while I couldn't sleept/this morning when I let myself get out of bed, I realized: I think I have a sleep disorder, would like to start making quilts to support my (hopefully) China trip (no I've never made one before), and surpassed my end of the year weight loss goal by a pound.

All around, a good night. Now, off to move my grandmother out of the place that holds so many childhood memories.

Consider this...

...my attempt at a concluding entry to reading Crazy Love.

As I've read through Crazy Love, I have been grateful for my church. I am surrounded by the poor and people who love people; people who have sacrificed or will work/pray to meet the needs around them. It's truly a refreshing environment when you think about it. I mean, as I think about different families at church, there are so many people that have done/are doing things the world would view as crazy. In Chan's last chapter video he basically said that we should not seek perfection in knowing God's will and what we should do but that God just wants us to try something to show we love Him. God wants to see us try and to see us love. I have been challenged by stories in the book; some things I agree with, some I don't. I kinda view my past, and Lord willing future, China trip as one of my crazy love experiences. I do feel challenged to continue in our financial stewardship, as well. I was raised in a family and church that emphasized giving, which is good. I was challenged to think about my giving and realized I don't want to get stuck in my "giving routine." There's a line in a Matthew West song I am wrestling with..."throw a 20 in the plate but I never give til it hurts." What would that look like for me...giving til it hurts? (Again, China did hurt in various ways, but I am speaking financially here.)

I really did like the moments in the book when Chan reminded his readers that our life is a vapor. He gave important perspectives about worship, faith, control and heaven.

Overall, I have mixed feeling about the book. I know God used it to challenge me, but I also feel the Enemy used it to bring me down in some ways. When I am in my right mind, there is no doubt I have followed God's call for my life and I am right where I should be. But upon immediately finishing this book, I was struggling in my thoughts. I am quick to compare...the Enemy knows this...I kinda resent things that make me question if I'm following God's call or the call itself. There are great things happening around me and I can't be happy for these people/situations because I'm worrying that I'm doing something wrong. This over-thinking is definitely a snow ball effect. I hate it. It's dangerous.

I am thankful for the grace of a Savior and the wisdom of my husband.

I hear God whispering, "Be still...patience, my child...trust, relax, breath." Trusting my call and the One who gave it.

Plans

I do not find it coincidental that I'm ready "Crazy Love" just months prior to paying off my husband's student loans. Challenge is good. Second-guessing plans is...well...good.

This by no means retracts any feeling from the previous post. Just wanted to be clear :)

God's provision

Ok, so I've finished chapter 4 of "Crazy Love" and just started chapter 5. Chan is discussing this idea of a lukewarm Christian and then goes on to Biblically support this person is not really a Christian to begin with.

I don't want to comment on that at this point, but what I do want to comment on is one of his examples of what makes a "Christian" lukewarm. Chan argues that the lukewarm Christian is not fully dependent on God. This is not where my problem lies. He gives the example of a person who doesn't really need to depend on God because if something goes wrong, he has a savings account to fall back on.

Now, I've read/heard that Chan does not save for his retirement, and again, just from what I gather, he does not seem to have much of a financial plan for his life. Store for yourself a treasure in heaven...I get it...BUT, don't you dare imply I do not depend on God because I have a savings account.

This is how I respond. God gave me a brain. God is bigger than my birth control, stronger than my seat belt, and more powerful than the few bucks I have in the bank, BUT, I utilize the things He has provided. If I ignore the financial blessings in my life, then I am ignoring God's provision. If I continue to seek to be "dependent on God" and ignore the money he has already provided, then I'm not being dependent because I'm ignoring the way He has already provided. I would actually be a poor steward. Does this make sense? I see my savings account as a gift from God. Sure, I do have to be a wise steward and give cheerfully. He has provided things (money, seat belts) to protect me, and it's foolish not to use them.

I just don't buy this notion that if you trust God, you ignore the brain, and gifts, he has already given you.

because, sometimes, it's fun to be vain.

I dropped another 9 pounds in the last 4 weeks.

I'm down almost 30 pounds from my heaviest.

Not sure why, but losing weight is truly one of the best feelings in the world.

Crazy

What God did was crazy. Seriously, it's not normal. It's big. He sent Christ, His Son, to die. For me.

Shouldn't my response be just as crazy?

Just flipped open "Crazy Love."

More to come.

Hope

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-08YZF87OBQ

Sometimes when I hear the song "Mighty to Save," I can so perfectly place myself back at Maria's. Sitting on a mattress on the new hardwood floors in The Little Mermaid room. Scents of dumplings and babies. Lifting up my voice among 25 brothers and sisters. Staring out the window into the gray that is the newly constructed state orphanage.

God is mighty to save those the world has tossed aside.

Overwhelming.

I miss it so much I can barely catch my breath.

John 8:1-11

Today is the kind of day God's mercy slaps me in the face, and I am humbled.

Today is the kind of day I can see crystal clearly God's gifts are so much greater and persevere when my plans have fallen through.

Today is the kind of day I find myself just "being" in the goodness of my Almighty Savior and understanding the effect it has on my ability to "be" a better wife.


In other news, I love this quote sent to my inbox by desiringgod.org:

So go marry someone, provided you're equally yoked and you actually like being with each other. Go get a job, provided it's not wicked. Go live somewhere in something with somebody or nobody. But put aside the passivity and the quest for complete fulfillment and the perfectionism and the preoccupation with the future, and for God's sake start making some decisions in your life. Don't wait for the liver-shiver. If you are seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, you will be in God's will, so just go out and do something.
(Kevin DeYoung, Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God's Will)

Present

I obsessively enjoy looking forward to upcoming things, even if they could be years away. My sisters wedding, going back to China, vacations, buying a home.

How much more of an impact would I have to the people around me if I thought more about the moment than the future?

Babies Galore

I'm pretty sure everyone and their brother is pregnant.



Did I miss the memo?

Are you "special?"

God uses the unexpected to break us.

Praying, pondering, searching, breaking, healing, growing, loving.

I will rejoice and be glad in it...

I knew I would be bad at this blogging thing...but here are a few recent ponders.

-Wondering how to comfort my mom as we celebrate Father's Day on Sunday.
-My brother will be 12 tomorrow, and I feel old.
-You think a triathlon in less than 2 weeks would motivate me. It doesn't. (Hence, I'm blogging and not running right now.)
-Why do I try to plan things that could be years away?
-Writing out the Scriptures is more tiring than I expected. A good discipline, though. Looking forward to what will come of it.
-I love my husband.
-Why don't I want children yet? Is something wrong with me?
-The title of this blog is the song I sang over and over and over last week. Work is stressful. Too bad I have "a low paying, zero respect job that I happen to love." (Can you tell me what movie this is from?)

John 1:27 He is the One who comes after me, the throngs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie.

Ohio doesn't have any wind

This past week has been a challenge for my family after the loss of my mom's dad. My Papa was the gentlest and most generous person I know. Family came first, and it was no secret he'd do anything for his grandchildren. It's hard to think about never hearing his voice again. I'm glad I'm done with school because who would I show my report card to? Education and hard work were very important to him!

Although a sad couple of days, with many tears shed, I walked away from the funeral so very thankful; thankful for a man who loved his wife for 56 years and put his family first, a man who served and led in his church, a man who taught my mother about Jesus so she could teach me. I found myself thinking about the generations that have come before me and how if they had not raised children to bring glory to God with their lives, then who knows where I'd be.

I never thought a death would change my mind about having a family. But it has.

Haiti

So, like any other natural disaster, the earthquake in Haiti has left thousands dead, homeless and hurting , while it has left the rest of us praying, wishing there was more we could "do."

This natural disaster has not only left so many homeless, but also so many family-less and so many orphaned. I think of the families who may have waiting children in that country, desperately wondering if they are ok. I think of those that will now explore adoption as an option for their family. I am drawn to pray for those wondering the streets with no parents, and I pray families around the world may open their hearts to these children crying out for a forever family.

When to Prepare

Last year, about this time, I was putting much spiritual preparation into a trip I really wanted to go on. As China drew closer, I spent a lot of energy reading, learning and praying. I've realized in the last few months that "preparation" has stopped.

So here is my question, why do we spend so much time preparing for mission trips that take up maybe a couple of weeks, but fail to "prepare" for the ins and outs of everyday life?

I think the later is much more dangerous.